Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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