Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
