i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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