who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
