I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
He better not be in your backpack
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
