Only a mothe r could love this liver
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
