Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
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I think this baby is eyeing my beer
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
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Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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