Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
