My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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