so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
