thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
