They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
