I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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