i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
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I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
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That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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