Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
