mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
