I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
