Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
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My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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