Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
