getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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