when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
