$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
