I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
