I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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