I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
