I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
