i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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