fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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