I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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