i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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