you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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