my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
