Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
A bitchslap is in order.
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