It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
