I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
