I just pynch a tree in the face
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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