So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
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Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
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I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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