Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
