Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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