last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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