WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
