Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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