Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
