I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Randomize
