That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
