I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
