Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
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They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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