Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize