Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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