And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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