I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
im having a threesome with these popsicles
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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