He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
