So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'm passing your future prison.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
