OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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