I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
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Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
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What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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