apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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